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January 27th, 2005
09:15 pm
You know what? I forgot to say something.
My life is a pathetic one, as far as I'm concerend. Most of my time is sucked up by my school and I rarely see my friends outside of it. On top of that, my friends don't really even know the real me and when it is all over and I never see them again, or anyone else I've met for that matter, I feel like I've had not effect on their lives and that they wouldn't be any different if I had never existed.
My family is probably the only people I've effected and the way it seems is that it isn't even in a good way. Not that it is a bad way, but it definately is not a good way. I'm the youngest child and the way they look at it, and sometimes the way I look at it is that I just suck up money. I wouldn't doubt it. It would be even worse if they knew about me, I bet.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think life is pointless, but right now I feel like it was wasted.
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09:06 pm
Do relationships really deteriorate over time no matter how much you try to maintain them?
...
Tomorrow is Friday, and it is one of my biggest fears, too. The day after Friday is Saturday. Saturday means a Forensics tournament. A tournament means memorized speeches. Guess what? I've been too busy to memorize anything. I really don't want to go.
Frankly, when I joined Forensics I thought I would be learning about politics and the history behind them and the more in-depth stuff that you don't get from History. Turns out they make you write about current events and memorize speeches to recite infront of people who are there just to try and make your argument seem invalid. Its really bad way to start a weekend and it just makes me so annoyed and mad. Even in the IE (individual events) tournaments where you can choose to do scenes from movies its competative. Last IE I did scenes from a movie and nobody laughed. I know it was funny... my friends and class liked it, at least, but the other competitors didn't even smile at me. Its so horrible. I really want to drop out but I'd feel like a quitter if I did.
It sucks up so much of my time its just so stupid!
Just thinking about it makes me want to hit things.
Besides all that I have more problems too. Everything is falling to pieces around me and I feel too sore to pick them up and put them back together. Puzzles are boring and frustrating and once your done you either never do them again or someone comes by and takes it apart just to spite you.
I know this really doesn't have much to do with what you people probably want to hear about me, but I just have to get it out -_-
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January 25th, 2005
11:01 pm
You know, I've been truly confused lately.
I've been hinting about how I am to certain people and they seemed more confused than me. I don't want to outright say it. I know first hand that it can be nicer to hear something from someone else rather than the person who they are talking about.
My mom is turning off my internet now, so I better wrap it up...
Have you ever loved someone who loved you back, but not in that way, but they came off like they didn't love you at all sometimes, though they didn't hate you, and you just got so frustrated that you wanted to rip your hair out?...
Ok, maybe that seems a bit too specific...
I'm getting a haircut tomorrow. I don't want to but... whatever.
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January 17th, 2005
10:38 pm
Ugh...
I don't understand love. Why does it have to be so complicated?...
I am minding my own business when what do I hear? My phone, of course. I let my parents pick it up and they tell me its a girl named Kaitlyn. Of course, this is Kate, my Ex-girlfriend. She tells me she is sorry for yelling at me the other day and that she was a bitch and such. Then she tells me her friend likes me. I know this person she speaks of. We have been friends sense she was a freshman and shes always been nice to me.
I'm scared.
Ever sense Kate, my only real relationship, I've realized that relationships are bound to fail unless you can be open. Seeing as how I never told Kate about 'how I am', we practically fell apart. I was not about to start a relationship without telling my friend how I was. Then again, I've know my friend to say things she promised she wouldn't. This isn't exactly encouraging, on top of the fact that me being how I am is a incredibly sensitive issue in real life.
I got around to talking with her the next day. I tried to sit her down and talk to her about how I'm not really what I may seem like and she seemed to take it as me making an excuse to not go out with her. After a lot more explaining she just seemed to get worse. She brought up what I said about boys and how if you tell them how you really feel they will most likely go out with you, which is, how I see it, true. I never thought she would fall for me, though... and because I've been going through a lot with trust and love lately, I've lost a lot of trust and hope in the subject. This, on top of my insecurity with my true self, really made it hard to explain.
By the time I was finished she kept poking at me, trying to get what I was hiding out. I didn't take this well. I am just not ready to tell anyone in my real life yet, besides a certain person... but she seems to have been busy lately...
Anyway, the point is, now this girl is really mad at me because I wouldn't tell her. She thinks I don't trust her and she thinks that I'm a lier. She brought up the fact that she has never kept anything from me (which is probably true... she told me a lot about herself). She was open with herself and I respected her for that and listened to her...
What I don't get is how come she couldn't be respectful towards me NOT wanting to talk about it.
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04:08 am
Hi everyone... sorry, It's just that I've been feeling a bit low lately. There are a few things I guess I should write about but I'm just too frustrated and/or tired and/or sad to talk about them.
I guess one of the main things is that my family seems to have stopped fighting, but I feel it was a unfufilled and antiprogressive gap instead of a learning experience. It just kind of all of a sudden stopped and I don't know why. No one would tell me why and I think no one knew why. There was no apologizing.
I'm able to stay up this late tonight because I messed around with the internet router (I switched my DSL line with another one so instead of mine getting cut off some other computer in my house does... but they'll catch on soon enough...)
The whole reason I was up this late is because I wanted to draw a picture for a friend. Luckily, she was on late too, but she left right after I caught her, so I told her I'd put this in my journal instead... I'm not too good of an artist, but I thought it was nice... I think it has some meaning to it, too. I don't expect many people to get it or like it, it just meant a lot ot me because I made it for her.
( Read more... )
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December 31st, 2004
02:28 pm
I took some tests, I'm not pregnant...
( Read more... )
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10:28 am
Why is life so unfair?...
I woke up tonight and I heard my parents fighting. Not like they usually do, but really biting eachothers heads off. The next thing I know my dad stormed off to work speeding down the street while my mom knocked on my door incredibly loudly and blamed it all on me. What was the excuse for blaming it on me?... I stayed up late. They blamed me for them breaking up because I stayed up late. There wasn't a single other bigger thing in the world that made them mad at eachother than me. So now my mom is moving away somewhere.
Frankly, I don't care if my mom leaves, but if she does then I want to leave too. I don't want to deal with my dad. He wants to take away my computer and I know how religious he gets. Part of the reason my mom is leaving is because my dad brought up the bible in the argument this morning. I don't want to live with my sister and my dad without my mom, I need my mom to do that.
I'm already all packed now, or at least I have what I want to bring with me. I deleted everything of mine off the computer. I'm probably not going to be going to school for a long time and I don't know if I'm even going to have access to my journal, let alone post in it.
I'm really glad you guys supported me with my problems, but I don't know if I can be helped any longer. Right now, no matter how many people are around me, I'm going to feel alone...
I wonder what my dad is going to do to my things once I'm gone.
So much for hope in this world, huh?
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01:12 am
Speaking of which... I think I mentioned that my friends say I have a feminine waist line... (is it one word or two? x_x). I figured you guys were wondering exactly what it looks like... I only have baggy guy shirts so I kinda pull them back to show everyone, but here you go, a piccy of my figure.
I really shoulda cropped that...
*Edit*
I cropped it! :P
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01:02 am
A little secret time alone with my drawer full of girly things... ^_^;;; geez, can't believe I'm posting these on the net...
( Read more... )
Anyways... like my new icon?... Did it myself!
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December 30th, 2004
12:41 am
Its only been two days now, sense I've let anything out I mean. Things have been... strange.
I met a lot of people, they are all nice to me... but...
There is this one girl who really stood out to me... she's nice to me... pretty... and her voice is angelic. ...But I'm regretful for meeting her... but I won't stop meeting her. I refuse. I promised. Why are things so hard. Everything in my life has been a test... I'm still being tested... I don't know what my reward is. Maybe its nothing... but what if its something incredible... I have to keep going.
If somehow you keep writing, don't forget Yami, ok? She promised not to forget you. She was nice to you. The real you.
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